For many years, I used to occasionally cut out humorous articles and cartoons, mostly from the old (pre-Murdoch) Village Voice, but also from various local newspapers and other sources, and I'd tack or tape them to the China closet door or free-standing pantry in my kitchen or to the wooden wall of the old cellar coal bin, along with a few posters and other offerings. I've always thought of these collectively as “printed graffiti” (as opposed to the hand-drawn kind). Recently, I revisited some of these, gently sponging away years of accumulated dust in the case of the cellar collection:

“Marlboro Man 'Goes Ape,' Pleads Guilty: A 20-year-old Marlboro man pleaded guilty Sunday to 'going ape' at a roadside pay phone, frightening a woman motorist with ape-like gestures and grunting noises. The woman had stopped along Route 9W to make a phone call. The man came out of the dark, making gestures and noises like an ape. She ran to her car and drove off. The man was sentenced to pay a $l00 fine or spend 30 days in the Ulster County Jail.”

“Top Expert Reveals the Key to Happiness: Warner Hopkiss, the top sculptor in University Heights, NY, has unveiled his latest work of art, the 'Key to Happiness.' The giant key is 60 feet high and is made entirely of tin cans and other gar- (Cont. on Page 56).”

“Lose Weight with New Miracle Diet: Yes, now you can lose weight simply, safely and effectively with our brand new, miracle diet plan. 1. Don't put as much food on your plate as usual. 2. Don't take as many forkfuls as you normally would. 3. Occasionally skip a meal entirely. 4. Go easy on the gravy. 5. Stay away from rich des- (Cont. on Page 14).”

“Meet the World's Worst Boxer!: Ruff, the boxer belonging to Mr. and Mrs. Harvey Grumph, is the world's worst dog of that species, they say. 'He slobbers continuously on just about everybody and chews up the furniture like crazy!' says Mrs. Grumph. 'And not only that, but he always urinates on our little (Cont. on Page 51).”

“Letters to the Obituary Editor: Bill Dillard's obit of Selma Feinberg is filled with inaccuracies. Mrs. Feinberg was the head of Hadassah's experimental matzoh laboratory from 1940-41, not '42. In addition, she pioneered the use of onion flavoring, not flakes. Mrs. Feinberg was part of the team that built the Borough Hall (the largest matzoh ball ever created), but she did not stick it in her freezer. She didn't have the space. The Borough Hall was stored in the meat locker at B'Nai Jeshurun in Manhattan for over five years, until it was donated to the Smithsonian.--S. Greenbaum, Brooklyn.”

Excerpted from a review of a play: “...but no one in it is as truly deranged as the most normal character in Silver's last play, Raised in Captivity, a dentist who hated cemeteries because the jagged rows of tombstones looked like malocclusions....”

A cartoon sequence dubbed “How Long Will You Live?” begins by starting you off with 73 lucky bonus points, and includes the following, among many others: “If you live in a small apartment with a roommate who whistles, subtract 4 years. If any grandparent lived to 93, add 2. If you had to attend any grandparent's open-casket funeral, subtract 2. If you work on a catwalk above huge vats of noxious boiling liquids, subtract 5. If you are annoyed by the phrase 'Have a nice day,' subtract 3. If you have eaten a donut in the last 10 years, subtract 4.”

An automotive poster: “At Vital Force Motors, we reject traditional, aggressive, reductionistic, 'bolt it on' automotive repair modalities. Our approach is holistic.” Among several services offered: “Unblock your car's energy pathways with auto-energetic synchronization. Dissolve the negative energies that give rise to disharmony and breakdown. Remember, when Uranus is in retrograde it is time to start thinking about restorative n-ray chelation treatments.”

Another poster, privately circulated more than a quarter-century ago, shows that conspiracy theories are nothing new: “Do Not Let This Happen To You: Where is everyone disappearing to? Every year millions of people disappear without a trace never to be seen again and it never gets in the newspaper. Why? I am convinced that they are the victims of Project Baal, an evil antisemitic that [sic]...practices ritual murder on a massive scale and sells the flesh to fast food chains to make hamburgers out of and in this way disposes of the evidence....”

While we're on the subject of food, the following is from an old, print edition of the parodical “news” magazine, The Onion. An article purports to tell about a severe famine in a far-flung corner of the world, where in some places folks were reduced to slaughtering and eating their family pets and even chewing on the bark of trees. The article's heading reads, “Starving Villagers Eat Dogs, Bark.”

My last offering is (believe it or not) not in the nature of a conspiracy theory or joke, but rather is a list of ingredients from an actual can of SCRAPPLE, which I cut out with a metal shears and tacked to the coal bin wall. This should appeal to vegans, especially kosher vegans. I quote it verbatim: “Ingredients: water, pork snouts, cornmeal, pork lips, pork, pork livers, pork hearts, pork tongue trimmings, soya flour, salt, flavorings.”

Bon appétit!