Another day. I look at my to-do list and yawn. I’m once again suffering from inertia, a “resistance or disinclination to motion, action, or change.” Actually, inertia should be my middle name.

I started reflecting on my lack of motivation after our return from Portugal on a Thursday evening in early March. Friday morning, I noticed a pool of water near our 150-gallon aquarium, so I woke Donald up. The aquarium is his baby; he knows how to maintain it and fix the filter when it leaks. Generally, filter leaks are due to a degraded O-ring and are annoying but easy to remedy. This time, however, the aquarium itself was leaking. Considering that it’s held our fish for probably 30+ years and wasn’t new when we got it, I guess the leak wasn’t surprising. What was surprising, in a good way, is that it waited until we were home to spring a leak. (Thank you, aquarium, for good timing.)

Donald has several aquariums, so, with my brother’s help, we were eventually able to set up another one, successfully move the fish (none of whom died), and put the house in order. And this is the main point: in setting up the new aquarium, we moved it off to the side of the room instead of in the middle, which opened up our entire living area. This seemingly minor change is a huge improvement.

When we moved to this house 14 years ago, Donald was in the process of renovating it. We lived downstairs as the upstairs was still completely gutted, even lacking floorboards.

In the downstairs living area, one end of the room held the bed and bedside tables, at the foot of the bed were the couch and coffee table, and then came the aquarium and bookshelves, perpendicular to the walls, splitting the room between bedroom/living room and the dining room, which was at the far end away from the bed.

As the house was completed, the bed was moved upstairs and furniture rearranged, but the aquarium stayed where it was, dividing the room. Moving a 150-gallon aquarium takes initiative, planning, and more than two people. I wasn’t happy with the layout but didn’t prioritize that job over the many others on my list.

Then the leak.

And now I wonder, why didn’t we do this sooner? Laziness? Lack of imagination? What impulse leads people to rethink their environment and change it for the better? How do people reach the decision to completely revamp the inside of their homes, or reorganize their gardens, or even move into a new house, a new town, a new country? I know people who have done each of the above and admire their energy and creativity, but lack the motivation myself.

We clearly had lots of energy when we chose to move into a wreck of a house (two houses – we bought two abandoned houses for the price of one, as neither was habitable). At the time it seemed like an adventure, which it was/is. And the idea of saving old houses is appealing.

But since then, I have lost interest. Why?

I have been reading about the effect of the pandemic on people’s attitudes. In fact, I have written about how I actually enjoyed working/teaching online and staying home. Living in a rural area made the social isolation tolerable, even enjoyable. But I wonder now whether the associated psychological changes – such as daily reminders of death lurking in the aisles of the grocery store--made me alter my goal-oriented approach to life. If I could become mortally ill from a shopping trip or a visit with family, why not focus on pastimes that I enjoy while I still have life in my body?

So, during the pandemic I treated myself to a daily dose of chocolate, although prior to this time I was careful about not overindulging. I have never liked housework, and the pandemic gave me an excuse to avoid it. Who wants to spend her last months on earth dusting? And I escaped from reality by taking time to read each afternoon, a luxury I once put off until bedtime.

We Americans are more dissatisfied with our lives now than we were pre-pandemic. Many people lack hope for the future. I read that some members of Gen Z overspend because they don’t imagine they will ever be able to retire – so why save money? Some retired baby boomers who cannot keep up with their bills pick and choose the ones they will pay, yet still spend money on activities that provide joy, like expensive outings. Why send hard-earned money to corporations (including medical facilities) if doing so means you can no longer afford going out to eat, seeing a concert, or watching sporting events?

My husband Donald is not similarly afflicted with the blahs. He works every day on the renovation of our other wreck of a house. He has goals. My therapist suggested that I find a passion, a hobby, something larger than myself – to break free of the inertia.

I’m not there yet. But knowing that I am not alone, that my lack of motivation is reflected in the malaise of my country, does help me to hope that the blahs will eventually end, assuming we don’t face yet another crisis. Which, given my current mindset, seems not only possible but likely, making it difficult for me and many like me to move forward with confidence in the future.