Alas, this article has been crafted from two different cities again. I am working in Minneapolis, Minnesota while Jim is home, nursing a cold and getting some work done around the house with his sexy little tractor, Jolene. Her flaming locks of auburn hair and sleepless nights thinking about buying her led to her name. We could probably write a whole article about Jolene, but today we want to talk about social norms.

Social norms are behavior standards that we set as a society based on our values, culture, religion and laws. Social norms penetrate so many aspects of our lives that we don't really realize it until we come into contact with other cultures. They give us a sense of structure and belonging and can be great, but they are not the same for everyone. Consider when you meet someone, for example. They will ask your name, look you in the eye and shake your hand. This makes you feel respected and welcomed. When I was in Saudi Arabia last month, I did not shake hands with anyone, but rather I put my hands together in a micro bow to greet my colleagues. In Europe, it’s all about the cheek kisses (two in France, three in Switzerland). In Mexico, there is just one cheek kiss, but it’s a little bit warmer and more genuine. During COVID there was a very active campaign in Mexico to stop that kiss and people struggled with it. It represents connection and trust.

But enough about kissing — that also can be another column. We want to talk about another social norm that’s really different depending on where you go … dropping in on a neighbor or friend. Jim isn’t chock full of friends, but most of them are local. It is not uncommon for him to be in a neighborhood and say, “I know a guy down the road that may know who can help us with [fill in the blank here].” Every once in a while, we might even stop by there and say hello.

One day, we were driving down 209 and Jim saw a childhood friend working on a lawnmower in his yard. They hadn’t seen each other in at least 15 years. We screeched into his driveway. I was mortified. I come from New York City, where people do not just show up unannounced. In the City that Never Sleeps, you plan visits at least four weeks ahead. I was also not dressed to meet someone this important in his life. I had on my old shorts and flip-flops and wasn’t wearing any makeup. But there I was, showing all my flaws as I met my boyfriend’s childhood best friend, his wife, kids, and mother. We stayed almost two hours! They seemed genuinely excited about the visit, and didn’t seem to care about the interruption, or the dark circles under my eyes. I left feeling a connection to this family as if they had always been in my life.

Last night I was with some old friends in a small suburban neighborhood in Minneapolis and I learned that they have different social norms around dropping in. We were making pasta and my friend sent me and her husband out to the neighbor’s yard to get some basil. We walked right through their patio, scissors in hand, past their patio table as they were having drinks. “We’re getting some basil” my friend’s husband shouted as he walked past them without warning. “Get as much as you want” shouted a slightly tipsy woman from under the patio umbrella. After dinner, we sat on the porch as neighborhood kids trampled through their front yard joyfully swinging bats and balls. I thought, “This is picture perfect.” I also thought, “I could never live in the suburbs — I like my privacy and quiet.”

In the country, nobody just shows up in your yard and picks your basil, no matter how friendly, they ask first. But they will screech into your driveway and catch you off guard and it’s perfectly OK, “as long as it’s not every Wednesday” adds Jim.

Back at home, we got an unexpected visit last week. Jim’s colleague came over to help with some work on the yard and brought his wife and four-year-old with him. They caught me in the yard in my pajamas, my hair tussled and teeth unbrushed. “Oh don't worry about it, we understand,” his wife reassured while I covered my teeth. But then, the little boy jumped on Jim's lap and rode Jolene through the yard. “This is his dream,” his mom explained. When he was done, he helped me plant some mint into a new pot and diligently sprayed the newly potted plant with our hose like a tiny little firefighter. He and I grabbed some scissors and secretly cut a flower from the garden to surprise his mom. Her smile lit him up. In the City, this little moment of joy could never happen. No one dares just show up at someone’s place unannounced, it’s a strong social norm.

Dropping in is only one of so many social norms and while they are essential for society to function, it's important to remain open to other perspectives and maybe to changing what you thought was the “norm.” These rules shouldn't confine us; after all, they are just made up. Personally, I feel like people in the City may be missing out on some real moments of joy by being so overscheduled. But then my friends in Minneapolis may feel the same way about me because I don’t have kids running in my yard every night after dinner.